Weddings and Funerals

Weddings and funerals - we attend many of these throughout a lifetime, although it seems they go in seasons depending on what stage of the age spectrum we currently stand in.
Being a reality TV junkie, I on occasion have been known to catch such shows as Bridezillas, Say Yes to the Dress and Say Yes to the Dress Bridemaids.  It never ceases to amaze me how obnoxious people can become when participating in the planning of what should be a joyous celebration.  Is it because weddings have taken on epic proportions of size and monetary investment versus focusing on a young couples beginning of a new life? I’m not sure, but it does give good entertainment value.
Conversely, there is nothing entertaining or fun about a funeral; however, funerals also do not necessarily bring out the best in people.  There are disagreements, fighting - literally fist fighting sometimes, hurt feelings and all manner of family discord that can potentially occur.  Maybe because of living through and living with the loss of a child, this especially is disheartening to me and I have little patience for it.
A funeral should be about a gathering of friends and family to publicly say goodbye to someone who was loved and will be missed.  It’s not about who plays what part, who gets what thing, who did or said what.  It’s not a recital performance where we all have to grapple to get the big “solo” so everyone can know how special we are.  It should be about sharing memories and offering support to those who are hurting most.  It should be about making a connection to God and finding comfort in the fact that who we loved, although not here, is in heaven.
I’d like to think the bad behavior is a way to cope with loss.  It’s hard when you don’t know what to do with the feelings that accompany death.  Trying to control something is a way to “do something.”  Instead of processing the sadness, it is easier to get mad and lash out at another person because they are alive and able to see and hear what is being said.
The problem with this is while using this technique to attempt to slow or stop the merry-go-round, all that thrashing about ends up knocking another grief stricken person inadvertently off the ride further bruising and causing pain.
Whether weddings or funerals, the potential for hurting those around you is ripe for the picking.  Sometime the chasms created during these stressful points in life can never be fully undone.  This brings me to my personal guideline recommendations which could be applied to either weddings or funerals.  I am no Dr. Phil by any means, but I have learned a few things along the way.
First - Think twice, think again and then think one more time before opening your mouth.  Everyone’s emotions run high during these times and an innocent comment can be taken completely the wrong way.  Try to be sensitive to who you are talking to.  For example, saying to the mother of the bride that the bridesmaid’s dresses are too short/long/skimpy/bright/dull/etc., even if made in a joking kind of way might offend that mother who has worked countless hours planning, preparing and paying for this wedding.  Mentioning that that a funeral should have been planned differently also can be hurtful.  If you have never had to plan a funeral while being swallowed up by just trying to breath, don’t criticize someone else for just doing the best they can to get through.
Second and most importantly not losing sight that neither day is about “me.”  When attending weddings and funerals and they are not “me” days.  It isn’t about if you were or weren’t asked to be a bridesmaid, groomsman, cake cutter, pallbearer, speaker or asked to sing an inspirational solo song.  Respect the people who have planned these events and realize that if you weren’t given a special part to play, it doesn’t mean you aren’t special.
Third, don’t lose sight of the reason these gathering happens.  Weddings and funerals are both opportunities for people who care about each other to gather in one spot.  One is a celebration of a new life on earth; one is a celebration of a new life in heaven.  Both are milestones of an epic nature.  These days should be spent supporting and caring and not fighting and tearing.   Putting love, kindness and consideration back as the motive for all things is a good idea, but especially at these activities.

well, tomorrow is the day. 2 years since we had to say goodbye. not sure how 2 years can simultaneously feel like both 2 minutes and 20 years but it does. We miss you buddy more today than yesterday and are doing our best to make you proud.  Being your mommy on earth while you are in heaven is by far the hardest mommy job I've ever had.  Miss you.....

Most people associate Valentine’s Day with hearts, flowers, romance and candy.  Spouses go out of their way to be a little kinder.  Children exchange cute little valentines.  Little girls giggle as they try to detect any hidden meaning behind the Daffy Duck card that reads “I’d be lucky if you would be my ducky” card they got from the boy they think is cute.  Boys make googly eyes at the girl who gave them two pieces of candy instead of the one they gave all the other boys.  Restaurants advertise special dinners and couples are seen all over town holding hands and generally displaying boatloads of lovey dovey behavior.
My husband is not the romantic sort in general.  I remember one year he did order me a dozen roses unbeknownst to me.  I came home from work that day and he met me at the door with this huge cat at the canary grin asking me how was my day.  I just shrugged and responded, “Okay, I guess.”  The flower shop did not deliver my roses, leaving us both a little disappointed and driving back into town to pick them up.  Personally I have never been a fan of flowers of the cut variety anyway.  Now buy me a tree or a flowering bush for my garden and you will see me doing a happy dance.
We usually spend Valentine’s Day at home with the kids doing nothing more exciting than watching a movie.  I am absolutely not complaining.  This is totally fine with me, especially if someone else cleans up after supper as a special treat for mom or heaven rain down upon my head actually cook the supper.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be spirited away on a hot air balloon ride being serenaded by Frank Sinatra while being dipped low and kissed in a gesture worthy of Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara.  Maybe I am too practical in nature as I start thinking about how cold it would be up in that hot air balloon, how crowded it would be with Frank along for the ride and the very real possibility I would trip and fall out of said balloon as Jay was attempting to dip me and kiss me. Of course this would all be caught on film and I would wind up on television or in the paper displaying the tragic Valentine’s Day events for all to see.
Valentines Day cards, however, are another matter entirely.  I love the homemade cards I have received over the years from kids.  They have varied over the years with the kids’ ages. Some have had candy hearts attached in no less than a quarter cup of Elmer’s Glue.  Sometimes they have drawings or doilies taped on.  Some have messages, some just a signature.  No matter what they have looked like or said over the years, the meaning is always the same - “Mom, I love you.”
I happen to be searching the Frazee-Vergas Forum web site recently for an article about the car show last summer and stumbled on a very old 2000 article where the kids wrote in how to make a turkey.  Tyler’s recipe popped up.  For our family, unfortunately Valentine’s Day now means the devastating anniversary of Tyler’s passing.  Some day this might mean celebrating the 18 years of happiness we were blessed with, but right now it still means missing the years we will never have.
When I stumbled upon this article, I felt like it was Tyler’s Valentine Card from heaven.  It was quite unexpected and made me laugh and wish he was here so I could give him grief.  It might be minus the candy hearts, dollies and stick figures, but it is by far the most touching Valentine’s Day card he has ever sent me.    

By Tyler Shipman
1. first 1 cup of rice put in oven 900 F
2. Get a Turkey. “put in oven” 900 F
3. When rice is done put rice in Turkey.
4. When Turkey is done but on plate.
5. Get 2 cups of Beef stew
6. Find some pato’s.
7. Then put some very Hot water on.
8. Then put patos in.
9. When done take out.
10. Get some cream.
11. Then get a can with a lide.
12. Then put cream in can.
13. Shake up the can with cream in it.
14. Then get one kind of vegetable.
15 Cook in oven then when done take out.
16. put on a plat.
17. get silerwar out on table.
18 Get some candles.
19. Call all the people
20. Make shore you have leftovers

fear

After losing a child, you always hear things like "thank goodness you have your other children."  While our remaining children do not replace the one we have lost, it is a constant comfort to still have the opportunity to hug them and see them.  I was following Carter last night in L & M and it caught me by surprise how he walks just like Tyler.. he is starting to get a little more grown up appearance and reminds me so much of his big brother.

The months following Tyler's death I lived with a lot of fear... fear of death basically.  This did seem to ease up and I don't find myself worrying about my other children dying every second. You start to think this would not happen to us twice, it wouldn't be fair.

Yesterday we heard of Myrel Schermerhorn's passing.  We know this family as their older son Jake was a good friend of Tyler.  Myrel had a car accident about a month ago and just couldn't hang on any longer.  This family also lost a daughter years ago.  This whole situation has really brought back of course our own feelings of loss, but right along with it the absolute realization that in fact death does not play fair.  No one is spared tragedy just because you have experienced it before.  It is hard not to let that fear grip me thinking it is not a granted fact my remaining children will grow old, have children, and live long full lives.  We aren't given a pardon just because we have already lost one child.

Fortunately most people don't have to deal with a child's death and situations like this give you a momentary feeling of "i'm so glad its not me."  That might linger for a while and then life gets back to normal. For those of us in this horrible club, that fear lingers just beneath the surface I would assume for the rest of our lives. It's not something that just goes away.  I honestly don't know if I would be capable of going through this again and my heart breaks and breaks and breaks for this family.

So as our small town is in mourning once again, I would ask that anybody following this blog please pray for Myrel Schermerhorn's family, that they would find some peace in their sorrow and find the strength to once again travel this rocky path of loss.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/myrelschermerhorn

compassion

Our pastor gave a sermon last Sunday talking about having compassion or a "my heart goes out" to others attitude.  I would have said the "before" me had this in spades, but listening to his sermon I discovered somewhat startlingly that the "now" me has a shortage.  I honestly hadn't realized it was missing in action or at least had not consciously sat down to think about it.

Let me clarify... the before me would have that "my heart goes out to you" feeling if you were going through a tough patch, were sick, were feeling blue, were upset about your job, kids, husband, whatever.  And here is me being totally brutally honest - so if you don't want to hear it, you better close the page.

The now me feels like saying... well you're not dead are you? your kids aren't dead are they? Of course I do not say that but being totally honest I think it quite a lot. Pretty harsh right? This is definitely not going to make me any new friends or endear me to the ones I currently have.  Apparently my compassion took a hike along with our "before" assumption that we would outlive our kids just because that is the way things are done. I am having an increasingly difficult time dealing with this.  It's not that I don't want people to talk to me, share their lives, confide in me, it is something that is broken in me that I can't seem to get past the feeling that the bigger picture is always as long as we are here on this earth we can make the choice to do something about what is making life unhappy.  I can't do anything about death.  all I can do is wait for my time when God calls me home. Here lies my frustration because I find myself comparing everything to this new standard that was forced upon on me - you're not dead are you? your kids aren't dead are they?  It seems the only people my heart truly goes out to anymore are those who have gone through or are going through the same loss as we did, be it from cancer, other illness and accident.

I then get frustrated because I feel like losing a child is the worse case scenario. I can't think of anything worse except losing more than one child. There is nothing I have that would mean anything in comparison to that. take my house, my meager belongings, my job, my marriage.  who cares - give me my child back.  Yet - I get up everyday, go to work, take care of my other kids, spend time with my husband. I try to look at everyday with thankfulness instead of a "poor me life sucks" attitude.  I try to be cheerful, smile.  I try to still find joy.  So here again brings me back to a severe lack of compassion because if I have lost what I feel is the worst case scenario, how can I be compassionate to someone else because I keep saying  you're not dead are you? your kids aren't dead are they?

I'm not sure where that leaves me.  Obviously this is something I need to work on.  I have not really talked to anyone 100% truly nitty gritty, down in the mud, good, bad and the ugly of how I feel about most things in over a year.  Maybe that's the problem. If I let out some steam, Mrs. Teapot wouldn't feel like boiling over if someone complains to me about having a hangnail.

Saturday my husband Jay drove his motorcycle in the 10th annual Ronald McDonald House charity run.  There were 1320 bikes in attendance, with approximately $90,000 raised.  This charity run is the Ronald McDonald House’s biggest fundraiser of the year and it is heartwarming to see so many people show up and give their support.
This charity is near and dear to our family’s hearts.  When our son was sick in Fargo with cancer, we lived at the Ronald McDonald House in Fargo for a month.  I can’t tell you how kind everyone we encountered there was to us.  We could not have afforded a hotel and the gas running back and forth from Frazee to Fargo, not to mention the exhaustion that accompanied the traveling and the anxiety from the separation and distance, was more than we could bear.
We were able to stay at the RMH free of charge. The room was beautiful and the house had a fully stocked kitchen for anyone to use.  The phrase “make yourself at home” doesn’t come close to the spirit of the facility, which was more a home than hotel.  Carter and Cassie also stayed there a few nights to see mom, dad and Tyler.
When a child is sick, it is difficult to explain how everything feels bigger than you are.  Life becomes this precarious balance and each day the see-saw could tip either way.  It leaves you with sort of a sea sick feeling all the time.  What the RMH does is provides a port in the storm. They say, “Let us take care of at least this.”  The gratitude I feel toward them is priceless and there is no way I could ever repay them, so for Jay to take part in this fundraiser feels like at least a little part of giving back.

I was laying here tonight watching a show I recorded from Sunday night and caught the intro to a story out of Fargo about a young sophmore with cancer - sarcoma no less - going to her senior prom. I quickly found her story on caring bridge and the story shook me. It brought me back to "the diagnosis" and "no cure" and "hospice" and "the after." Just when you think things are going at a steady pace, a stranger's story can bring you right back to the beginning. I mentioned to someone on a blog recently that if you can get through losing someone close to you from cancer or any other early death and still have faith, God has already performed a miracle in your life - albeit not the one you were probably hoping for. It was so frustrating and still is when I hear things like "it's in God's hands" or "God knows what's best for us." While I'm sure that is true, thinking that is an easy thing to come to terms with is moronic. I am sure my backseat driving even tries God's patience often times.  I just want, need, yearn for Tyler - in a way that I want, need, yearn for air. I will never stop breathing until I am ready to leave this earth, because it is part of how my body works. Likewise, I will never stop missing Tyler because it is part of how my soul works. Please check out this girl's caring bridge and keep her close to your heart and pray for her and also her family if you think of it. 

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/morganhayes


In other news... literally... I have been writing the Frazee Hometown Happiness column in our local paper. It has been a fun undertaking and I have been able to put my own little spin on it. My first paying writing gig... who knew. I have been busy getting ready for the 2nd Annual Tyler Shipman Memorial Car Show. We have already raised upwards of 1700. All proceeds this year and years to come will be going directly to the Tyler Shipman Scholarship Fund at Frazee High School. I am very, very excited that we have this opportunity to give back to the kids in our community. What better way to keep Tyler's memory going. We are selling car show t-shirts and memorial stickers that I was able to get for cost.  If someone reading this isn't on my Facebook, hasn't seen the car show web site, or hasn't gotten an email from me and would like more info on that, just let me know.

I got an invite from some of the kids on Facebook who are planning on meeting at the cemetary for Memorial Day. I am always a little surprised that the kids still think of Tyler too. It makes me very grateful he had such good friends.