It has been a while since I have been on there. I can't really believe it has been as long as it has. I have started to write a number of times and I just get stuck. It was so much easier when Tyler was here even though he was sick. When he was here, I could go hours or even a day without thinking about anything but what to do next, what had to be done, what Tyler needed, what the other kids needed. Now death covers everything with a sticky film that won't quite wash off. There are so many things that are both sad and wonderful at the same time and I suspect this is just the way life will be now. When I drive through town and see Ty's friends coming out of school, I am so happy that they are together and it is good to see them...actually terrific. At the same time, it makes my heart skip a beat because I want so badly to see Tyler come out that door with that easy smile that he had. You knew when he smiled it went from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. It was genuine and you didn't get one unless he really meant it. Seeing kids his age just plain hurts. I know that is probably not politically correct, but I am fast losing my patience with that anyway. I will say that I get mad inside. I get mad a lot. People ask me all the time how are you doing. I usually paste on that fake smile and say "ok." What I really want to say is I am not okay. I want my son here. I want to complain about silly things like his messy room. I want the chance to make mistakes and have the luxrary to say, "I'm sorry." I want to see him get married, have kids, and make his own life. I'm jealous of everyone else who can talk about wanting their kids to move out, talk about graduation, talk about the everyday things in life that they both love and that drive them nuts about their kids. I am jealous of people who are just at the beginning of something and have so much hope for the future. There are times in your life when you have a fresh clean slate with no mistakes, no regrets, no reason for impatience or anger. Your first date, the day your child is born, the first day of a new job, the first time you meet a new friend. All of these things are new beginnings and I feel like my life is just about endings right now. Don't tell me that I'm lucky to have 2 other kids. I don't want to hear it. I love them, but they are not a replacement. They are not Tyler, they are themselves and have their own place in my heart. They don't just fill this empty spot in my life. In short, I am mad because people around me aren't hurting like I am. Now that I have probably ticked everyone off that I know, let me also say that I would never, ever, in a million years WANT anyone to feel like I do. That is not the point. These feelings are things that ramble around my head. This might be why I am quiet or don't smile as easily or don't answer the phone. This doesn't mean I don't want you to talk to me about what is happening in your everyday normal life. It just means I need to develop sort of a callous about it so I can honestly feel happy for you in a way I don't right at this second. Just as no one knows what to say to me, I don't know what to say to you either. I know I don't want people to stop calling/talking/seeing me, but I also know that I don't want people to call/talk/see me. Makes no sense, but nothing about this does.

I have been officially back to work full time for 2 weeks now. It is going well. Once I got over the hump all the welcome backs, I was able to settle into more of my regular routine. Work is a constant, something I am good at, and somewhere I am needed. It fills an empty day and gives me a sense of ownership. In short, I love my job and it makes me feel good. I am all about that...I will take it where I can get it.

On a bright note, I am still going to Tuesday knitting. I actually finished ONE mitten. I am too embarrassed to even take a picture. It would be perfect for a gigantic yetti lurking in the woods to wear. The Tuesday women got a good chuckle when I put it on as a sock. I guess I could wear it that way if I grew some sort of weird appendage to fill the thumb. I am not giving up though. I am going to try it again with smaller needles. I am nothing if not persistent. I had sort of a revelation why this Tuesday thing is so relaxing for me. All of these women never really knew the "before" me. They only know the "after" me. Sometimes it is so hard to be the "before" me for my friends and family. It is so much work. I am broken in some places that can't be band-aided up for no one to see. I am different. These women don't know that. They have no expectations or memories of me when I used to laugh more, smile easier, take life for granted. They didn't know me before I didn't want to go home because walking in the door is like an assault of memories so thick I have to tell myself to breath. They didn't know me before I cried everyday and begged God for just one more hug, just one more conversation, just one more second. They didn't know me before things made me bitter in a place that I am afraid to face. If I don't talk or smile or in short be "myself," they don't know the difference. There is a weird sort of peace in that. I miss my old self. I guess I am grieving that loss too. But there is a new me forming. I can feel her sometimes. She is strong to the core and knows she can do anything. She is becoming independent because life is too short to not do things that make her happy and she knows that she deserves that. She knows that sometimes someone needs to take care of her and that this only makes her stronger. She is not afraid to cry, because crying is not weakness; it is truth. She is smart, she is a good mom, and she knows that being perfect is not something that is ever going to happen. She is sad, but she can still stand on her feet and walk. She is not afraid to both question God and trust Him at the same time. She is me, and I am her. She is before and after. I will never be the "Nellie" you used to know and maybe this is a loss you need to grieve. I hope that whoever is reading this, whoever you are to me, that you can meet this new woman and put her before and after together like a puzzle piece and love me for who I was, who I am and who I am becoming.