If I was to be totally honest, I didn't want to go to the graduation ceremony. I am so happy for the kids, that's not what I mean. This was the first big 2 x 4 to the head sort of moment that really makes it come crashing home what WE are missing out on. I know Tyler not missing anything... but WE are missing so much. Our minds can only wrap around the finite life we see in front of our eyes, so to have someone die and go to heaven sounds all good, but when you can't possibly understand what heaven is... makes it tough to not feel sad for what you don't have right in front of you. I tried to bury myself head in the sand and do a quiet retreat, but my friends would have none of it and took me out to dinner for my birthday. That's true friends... ones that just show up even though you don't answer your phone.
I have been busy working on my garden. I actually think I am mostly done at this point. I finished up the mulching yesterday. Now it is a matter of watering, weeding, waiting for things to grow, puttering around. I do want to put in a flagstone type path and that will be something to work on. The thing I love about gardening is it is never really done. I can work outside every day and still have something to do if I really want. I had a couple of facebook posts about giving us plants for Tyler's garden. I think that is super. If anyone wants to do that, just let me know. The only stipulation is I have to give you something out of my garden then. My next project is I have to paint the deck. That is not nearly so fun. Any volunteers?? :)
Memorial Day came and went. I know Tyler wasn't a soldier, but he was a fighter. I feel like he died in battle in a way. We visit the cemetery often. It helps that it is so close to our house. The headstone turned out beautiful. We are trying to grow some grass, but it is slow growing. It touches my heart to see the little things that people leave at the grave. I don't want other people to hurt, but I don't want Tyler to be forgotten either. We talk about him all the time. I don't know if that is strange or not or makes other people feel strange, but neither Jay or I seem to be able to help it.
Our doggie Dixie is doing super. The kids are out of school now so I'm sure that will be more fun now for them. Cassie went camping with her friend this weekend. Jay took Carter and his friend fishing Friday, so we have been eating fish, fish, fish. It is very hard for Jay to do these "boy" things because it really hits home that Tyler is not here. It becomes a trick to balance grief with living for all of us. Where do you draw the line of avoiding pain and walking with pain? I think grief is like a lump in your throat that never goes away that you have to swallow around. I wonder do you get used to it? I would imagine it just becomes a part of who you are. I am planning our first camping trip this summer in a couple weeks. We are just going to our "usual" spot at Hungry Man. Again, this will be sad and happy... let's just say sappy. That is my new name for me. Sappy.
Just wanted to mention Tyler will most assuredly not be forgotten.
ReplyDeleteSee you at the carshow in July.
-Jason
Hey there "Sappy"... Me thinks this is a most apt "handle" for you... and for me as well! No matter what pleasant situation comes along in my life since the cancer death of my son Scotty, I find that I am "happy" for just a bit, and then, BAM! the sadness just comes rushing back over me like a giant wave. The knowledge that he is not here to share good times with tends to make any "good times" just not so good! Or, at least, as good as I know they would be with him here to enjoy them with his loving family. I too know that he is not feeling what I am feeling, but that does not really change the reality of my constant yearning to have his presence here with me. Everything just becomes a part of the "Before" his death, and "After" his death timeline now. Time passing can not ever change the situation. The loss of our sons is nothing less than "A Game Changer", things will always seem to be a bit off due to this giant hole inside our hearts. How could it really be any other way? We brought them into this world and believed we would see them outlive us! So, I am glad that you are able to come on here and write and to do all the things you are doing these days, and yet, at the same time, I know all too well that pain that is always present even in the midst of it all. We are the walking wounded. Often I will find myself starting out in my prayers to the Lord with strong focus on giving thanks for the great gift of salvation and for the blessing of having been given such a wonderful son, and somewhere along the line, I will seem to shift my thoughts a bit, and find that I have uttered Scotty's name, and then suddenly I feel guility! I mean, I question myself as to whether I am more concerned about maintaining my true fellowship with the Lord, or if the bigger part of me is just really hoping Scotty is hearing my brokenhearted cries. I know he would want me to be happy that he is with his Saviour Jesus, but I think both he, and God, could understand just how tough this whole deal is for someone like me, who received so much joy from being Scotty's Mommy. Alas, these are the struggles that comprise the "new normal" of our lives. I wish you well with all you are doing to stay sane, and from one Sappy to another, much love is being sent! Susan in SoCal
ReplyDeleteGood to hear from you Susan! I figured you would get the "sappy" emotion.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know who i am but I wanted to share something with you. I have had some people very close to me pass away. My father died 15 years ago when I was 16 and my brother just passed away last May. I think it is wonderful that you talk about Tyler all of the time. I try to talk about my dad and brother as much as possible. One reason is so that my son who is 14 can get to know his grandpa and the other is so I don't forget even the smallest little things about them. As for the lump in your throat...mine has never went completely away but most of the time it is bearable. I still after 15 years cry for my dad on a regular basis, but things change, it does get easier.
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong person with a great support system. You are so fortunate for that. Good luck to you and know that so many people continue to pray for you and your family. I think you are a wonderful person and a truly special mom.