Another holiday here and gone. Thanksgiving was like any other event since Tyler's death - full of sadness at our loss and full of memories of good times. Sometimes it surprises me the things that cause grief to punch me in the gut. As I was getting ready to cook our Thanksgiving meal, I kept thinking of Tyler and how I always had to make him his own special stuffing - without mushrooms, onions, and celery please mom. It was a standing joke that Tyler got his own little stuffing pan. I would also always make a coconut cream pie because that was his and my favorite, along with our special family recipe of cranberry fluff.

I think there comes a fork in the road of grief where you have to decide if you are going to spend the rest of your life being bitter and angry or if you are going to reconcile the fact that while sadness is a part of who you are now, you can also continue to experience joy as well.  I am conscious of this choice and choose happiness.  I don't believe immersing myself in depression and walking around feeling like my life is over is paying any sort of tribute to Tyler. Rather living life keeping in mind the gift that it truly is would be a more fitting way to honor his life. To make this choice I have to accept that the sadness I carry is part of me, it is part of what makes me who I am today and who I will be tomorrow. I think this is where people run into trouble. Grief isn't about "getting over" your pain. There isn't an "end" to the loss you feel.  Grief is about acceptance of your loss, knowing its OK to cry or feel bad, but also knowing its OK to smile and laugh as well. These things have to live within me together instead of war against each other.

Carter and Cassidy continue to do well. Their school life is going pretty typically so far. Cassie is back in dance this fall and Carter has been busy with football and wrestling camp. Carter actually shot 2 deer this season, as well as some goose (or duck?) hunting in North Dakota with a friend and his dad. Jay made it through potato season and went onto spend 3 weeks in Nebraska hauling corn. It was a terribly long harvest for all of us. Jay is also doing well. Him and I both have our sad times, but remarkably we are doing very well talking about our feelings and supporting each other.  The kids are back at Sunday School getting ready for the Christmas program and we are back in church - which incidentally feels very good.  I have been busy finishing a quilt for a good friend and making pot holders and aprons. It feels wonderful to be back at my sewing machine.

The big news is we are leaving for Mexico on Saturday for a week thanks to Chris who gave us a week's stay at his resort in Cabo and our PFF family who bought our tickets. The kids are pretty excited to ride in a plane for the first time. Carter is just sure he will get eaten by a shark if he swims in the ocean. "Haven't you seen jaws!?!" he says. Cassie wants to swim and look for shells.  Jay just wants to avoid any terrorist kidnappers he is just sure will be waiting for him. I am just looking forward to a week without work, computer, telephone. I will be more than happy with a lawn chair, mojito, and a good book.  We had wanted to take this trip on Christmas but the resort was very busy at that time. However, we will be celebrating Jay and I's 19th anniversary on our vacation on the 7th.  If you ask Jay he will say it might be our 100th anniversary - so I counter and say no our 110th.

Once we get back, Christmas will be right around the corner. We are going to keep it pretty low key this year. honestly I don't really even want to put up the Christmas tree, but that wouldn't be fair to Carter and Cassie.  My tradition with the kids is each year I buy the kids an ornament. They all have their own boxes with their ornaments. It's going to be very hard for me to hang up Tyler's ornaments for him - but I am going to do that regardless. It's funny how I can forget that Tyler isn't with us sometimes. I was in Halmark the other day and saw the cutest stocking stuffer (stockings are my "thing" at Christmas). It was a chocolate, marshmallow, nut type ball and the package said coal for your stocking. I chuckled and bought 3. It wasn't until I got to my car that it hit me I only needed 2.  Then I cried a little - and that's OK. Then I laughed a little and decided Tyler would think his dad was pretty deserving of some coal so that is where I will put it.

If I don't post before - I hope all the readers of this have a very blessed Christmas with your families. Share a few more hugs and "I love yous" and don't worry so much about how many gifts are under the tree. The real gifts are the people we care about - not the boxes wrapped with pretty paper.