Weddings and Funerals

Weddings and funerals - we attend many of these throughout a lifetime, although it seems they go in seasons depending on what stage of the age spectrum we currently stand in.
Being a reality TV junkie, I on occasion have been known to catch such shows as Bridezillas, Say Yes to the Dress and Say Yes to the Dress Bridemaids.  It never ceases to amaze me how obnoxious people can become when participating in the planning of what should be a joyous celebration.  Is it because weddings have taken on epic proportions of size and monetary investment versus focusing on a young couples beginning of a new life? I’m not sure, but it does give good entertainment value.
Conversely, there is nothing entertaining or fun about a funeral; however, funerals also do not necessarily bring out the best in people.  There are disagreements, fighting - literally fist fighting sometimes, hurt feelings and all manner of family discord that can potentially occur.  Maybe because of living through and living with the loss of a child, this especially is disheartening to me and I have little patience for it.
A funeral should be about a gathering of friends and family to publicly say goodbye to someone who was loved and will be missed.  It’s not about who plays what part, who gets what thing, who did or said what.  It’s not a recital performance where we all have to grapple to get the big “solo” so everyone can know how special we are.  It should be about sharing memories and offering support to those who are hurting most.  It should be about making a connection to God and finding comfort in the fact that who we loved, although not here, is in heaven.
I’d like to think the bad behavior is a way to cope with loss.  It’s hard when you don’t know what to do with the feelings that accompany death.  Trying to control something is a way to “do something.”  Instead of processing the sadness, it is easier to get mad and lash out at another person because they are alive and able to see and hear what is being said.
The problem with this is while using this technique to attempt to slow or stop the merry-go-round, all that thrashing about ends up knocking another grief stricken person inadvertently off the ride further bruising and causing pain.
Whether weddings or funerals, the potential for hurting those around you is ripe for the picking.  Sometime the chasms created during these stressful points in life can never be fully undone.  This brings me to my personal guideline recommendations which could be applied to either weddings or funerals.  I am no Dr. Phil by any means, but I have learned a few things along the way.
First - Think twice, think again and then think one more time before opening your mouth.  Everyone’s emotions run high during these times and an innocent comment can be taken completely the wrong way.  Try to be sensitive to who you are talking to.  For example, saying to the mother of the bride that the bridesmaid’s dresses are too short/long/skimpy/bright/dull/etc., even if made in a joking kind of way might offend that mother who has worked countless hours planning, preparing and paying for this wedding.  Mentioning that that a funeral should have been planned differently also can be hurtful.  If you have never had to plan a funeral while being swallowed up by just trying to breath, don’t criticize someone else for just doing the best they can to get through.
Second and most importantly not losing sight that neither day is about “me.”  When attending weddings and funerals and they are not “me” days.  It isn’t about if you were or weren’t asked to be a bridesmaid, groomsman, cake cutter, pallbearer, speaker or asked to sing an inspirational solo song.  Respect the people who have planned these events and realize that if you weren’t given a special part to play, it doesn’t mean you aren’t special.
Third, don’t lose sight of the reason these gathering happens.  Weddings and funerals are both opportunities for people who care about each other to gather in one spot.  One is a celebration of a new life on earth; one is a celebration of a new life in heaven.  Both are milestones of an epic nature.  These days should be spent supporting and caring and not fighting and tearing.   Putting love, kindness and consideration back as the motive for all things is a good idea, but especially at these activities.