well here i am...

I guess I am addicted to blogging, either that or I am just narracistic and like to talk about myself. The truth of the matter is I found the caring bridge a helpful spot to sort out stuff. My sister suggested a blog, so here we are.

Well, the funeral is over and now here I am. I am left with a what do I do now sort of feeling. When we were still in the hospital, someone there said something along the lines of someone will be a doer and someone will be a sitter for this experience. Neither is right or wrong, both need to be done. I was the doer, Jay was the sitter. Jay was by Tyler's bed pretty much 24/7 and I am grateful for that. I was the doer, taking care of housework, laundry, shopping, and just the stuff that needs to be done on a regular family basis and also doing most of the medical care for Tyler (which again I am so glad I could do). Now I have nothing to do... not that those regular family things don't need to be done... but it feels like no one really needs me anymore. I handled cancer well, at least I think, but handling death is a whole other matter. I am a sloppy mess living on the couch mostly. I cry all the time. I can't go upstairs because all I think about is Tyler died there. my house is a total disaster, although I did actually do laundry today. The thought of sympathy cards makes me cringe. My sister Krys was here the last couple days and made me get off the couch. To be honest, I didn't want to do any of this, but had fun in spite of myself. I told Tyler I wouldn't cry in front of him when he was in the hospital and we were told he was terminal. I did keep this promise to the best of my ability, but now it feels like niagra falls has taken roost in my eyes. So much for my inspirational facade. It always made me scratch my head when people said that anyway.

Jay has been out doing things, around people, and this helps him. I just don't know how to do that yet. When Krys and I went to have a pedicure the lady asked me how many kids I had... what a benign mundane question that we just throw out there without thinking to strangers. It is kind of like asking about the weather. I was like a deer in the headlights. Did I really want this stranger to know about my business? Could I really discuss this without becoming a big mess? I ended up saying I had 2 kids and felt like total crap all day. I know there is probably no right way or wrong way to handle this, but Jay suggested next time just saying 3, but one is in heaven. That sounds good... wish I would have thought of that myself. Now I will replay that conversation in my head only a million times and feel like crap because I pretty much ignored the fact that Tyler was my son.

I am taking this week and next week off. Maybe once I go back to work it will feel more regular here. As dysfunctal as it sounds, we had a routine once Tyler came home. It was not a schedule per se, but it was the things we needed to do and did. Now we can't really go back to before, not ever, but how do I move on? How in the world is anyone supposed to get back to living after their child dies?

People ask how are you? what can I do? I don't know. I am sad, mad, confused, sad again, and on and on. I feel like Tyler's death is a period at the end of a sentence, an end to a long sad affair, for everyone else but our family. Now we are beginning the hard stuff. Learning to live without Tyler is going to be much harder than living with Tyler with cancer. So here begins my journey. Maybe this blog will help, maybe this will be a fleeting thing, who knows. Today I felt like writing.