the day after yesterday

Isn't that the thing... it is always the day after yesterday. Will tomorrow be better? I guess we don't ever know the answer to that, but I hope for that. We have had a few people mention this will be the year of "firsts." I anticipated this before, but had a pretty tunnel vision of how this would go. I expect graduation to be exceedingly painful, birthday, holidays especially Christmas, but no one told me I would overwhelm myself with other firsts. A few examples: First time I went to Wal-Mart to just buy milk. In the last 4 months there hasn't been a time I haven't had an agenda to find some juice box or food that Tyler wanted or might eat or drink. The first time we took communion without Tyler. Today was the first time I washed my sheets. Now this one sounds silly, but the last time I touched Tyler alive I slept on those sheets. I can go on and on with these ridiculous thoughts that scramble through my brain and cause me to lose it daily. No one prepared me for this. I didn't know.

The craziest things can upset the applecart. Tyler was so excited to buy Girl Scout cookies from his cousin Allison. He talked about it for days. We always run out of the caramel coconut ones you see, so he was set on buying a whole bunch for himself. "He said what else better do I have to spend my money on?" He asked me right away if the cookies would get here in time. At the time of this, he was doing so well, so I assured him no problem. My sister ended up bringing them this weekend. He missed it. I saw the boxes of cookies and just wanted to throw them away. I am trying to instead look at this as a good story. Tyler was going to ration these cookies to Jay, so I have now taken up this most important position for Tyler. Again sounds crazy, but I have been thinking about this a lot. Maybe if I tell this story one more time I keep thinking I won't feel like bawling when we crack open a box... one box of about 40 I might add. Tyler assured we wouldn't run out any time soon. If I appear to be putting on a few pounds, you will now know why.

The big decision for me today, which I actually just made, was deciding to take a friend of mine up on going to a women's bible retreat entitled "rest and restoration." I battle with if I should be doing things that might make me smile or laugh. Am I not grieving correctly if I am seen smiling? Should I be seen out and about doing "normal" things? Is this the right way to do things? Do I cloister myself for a certain period of time? I "know" there is no "right or wrong" way to act, but again these are the things I think about. Everything becomes a question mark. Anyway, after struggling with this all day, the pastor was over this afternoon and I decided to go. Maybe I will find a little peace this weekend.

I have heard a few times today to go through your problems and not around them. I am wondering slightly if I went around cancer versus through it. It all seems so surreal to me. There are brief moments when I can't believe it actually happened. The question would be was I sugar coating the whole thing up in my head while it was going on and now death has hit me like a 2 x 4 in the forehead? I think I lived so much in the moment of what needed to be done, what was happening right at that moment, that maybe now that I am sitting still it hurts so bad. This brings you to the wonderful world of "regret." Let me tell you... there are a million and one things you can think on with regret when your child dies. This is something I do not want to get caught up in, so I won't even give them a name on here, but I realize logically that beating myself up for stuff doesn't help and Tyler loved me despite my faults. I keep going back to that last time when we went camping (pic on caring bridge). I can almost hear his laughter when I look at that picture. Those are the things that I need. Now I just have to convince my brain to stay in that frame of mind.

When Tyler was in the hospital, they made a ceramic statue of just his hand. I held his hand yesterday for a while. It was both horrible and healing at the same time. I think maybe today was better than yesterday. At least the funny farm folks haven't come banging on the door just yet. That has to be some sort of accomplishment right?

My good friend Cindy printed the entire caring bridge journal and guestbook entries for us on beautiful card stock and put in a binder for the funeral. I can't look at it right now, but maybe in the future. For now, it is on a shelf by our picture albums.