Cassie and I are back from Fargo. We had a busy but fun day. We went to the mall, to Toy R Us, to see the movie Alice and Wonderland, and ate at Olive Garden. All in all not to bad for a birthday party alternative. I am tired, tired, tired. Jay and Carter went "up north" fishing with some other guys, so they are having fun too or so I interpret with our limited cell reception in that region. Sounds like Carter is once again proving he is an expert fisherman.
I have never been one to subscribe to the notion that every good thing that happens to me is because of God seeing how good I am and blessing me and every bad thing is God smiting me or something. Bad things happen to good people every day. If God took something or someone precious away from me every time I did something horrible, there would be nothing left in my life. Now I don't profess to be any sort of theologian, this is just my opinion. This is not to say God isn't present, with us, helping us. I can look back on my life and see many places where I could have turned left instead of right or went straight instead of crooked. My childhood wasn't the easiest, but I have great memories and a very tight loving family. I am the sum of my life experience. There are parts of me that are tough as nails. I am independent and stubborn. I believe God was with me every step and misstep of my life. I don't think this happened to our family because of anything we did to deserve this. Our bodies are a great creation. The way they work is amazing. Unfortunately we have disease. What makes me angry is that anyone should ever have to die of cancer. It makes me angry that there isn't better treatment. Is this God's fault? I don't think so.
When Tyler was born he fought like crazy to make it. I wouldn't trade a day of his 18 years. He wasn't a perfect kid, but he was ours. There were a couple years in there where him and I butted heads almost daily. I would tell you it is because he is more like me than he would ever admit, but he would probably tell you different if he was here. I was pretty strict with him when he was little, but I don't regret that either. Jay would say to Tyler all the time that he had "mama" wrapped around his little finger. All he had to do was give me that look and ask and I would agree. I also don't regret that. The pain I feel, Jay feels, Carter and Cassie feel, you feel is so great only because the love was also so great. I would never want to take away the love I feel for Tyler, so the pain of losing him now becomes part of that. I might not smile as easily as I used to. I might not be quite the same ever again. I am still here though and I love my other kiddos just as much as Tyler. Now the challenge is to give them the same memories that Tyler had, the same good times. Hopefully Cassie will look back on today years down the road and remember a fun day with mom. I know I will.
I seem to be preaching tonight. Probably a little indigestion from too much pasta at Olive Garden. I am going to go watch Where the Wild Things Are with Cassie. I remember reading that book to Tyler many times. Maybe I will even do a little knitting. My mitten is actually looking "sort of" like a mitten. I am going to have to take a picture if/when I ever get it done.
Some of the emotions you are feeling I can relate to. Following the death of my mom and brother from cancer, just 4 months apart, I was a mess but I knew for the sake of my children and husband, I needed to keep plodding along, knowing that Jane and her children were "plodding along" without a husband and daddy and my dad was helpless without my mom. I wish I would've put my feelings on paper immediately following their deaths but I didn't. I think that would've helped. I know God was carrying us during that time, just like he is doing for you through this whole sad experience. And you can be so thankful for all the wonderful memories you have--and we do too. No regrets. A lot of people can't say that. That was 14 years ago and I still cry writing about it. So, grieve as you need to grieve, in your own way. No one can tell you how to do that. The best thing you and Jay can do for Cassie and Carter is exactly what you are doing. You are a wonderful mom! No one could ask for better. Keep on keeping on and I'll keep praying for you, as I've done for the last 5 months. I love you and your family!~Cousin Karen, WI
ReplyDeletePraying for you always...love reading your posts..you are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteHi Nellie,
ReplyDeleteYour are so right I couldn't say all the things you have said. I so feel your pain, the pain of dealing with cancer and the thought of losing my son Issac.When we got through the year of Chemo and God made Issac well. I thought everything would be great... Never did I think I would loose the love of my Life.... It was as you say. My kids kept me going and kept saying mom it will be alright God has him and you always told us we are not are own, we are his ( God's ). I went through all the same things and also found that bad things do happen to good people. I really felt like Job. Only I was alone now at home with no little ones, so work was my solace my saving grace ,their I could help others
and take my mind of my problems, and my loss of my husband my man of 22 years,and help someone else instead of feeling my pain. That was my therapy. It's so true you never stop grieving, but God has a way of over time healing your heart and helping you remember all the great times and love you shared and that brings a smile and a inner peace that no one can understand but you...You are such an inspiration to me and my family, thanks for sharing, God Bless you and your family... Love ,Evie King : )
I'm a stranger to you but you do not seem like a stranger to me even though we've never met. I happened upon your journal about Tyler's ordeal and I followed you here because of your wonderful writing. Your warmth and honesty are so brave and inspiring. Thanks so much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteLove, Susan Swanson