The knitting night was a hit. That is definitely on my radar from this point forward. Unfortunately my mitten looks the same as when I arrived but I am confident that will get better. I am nothing if not tenacious once my teeth are in something. It felt good to be a part of something that is just mine. That might sound selfish, but it is very easy to lose your own identity going through an event like this. I am still me; I am just a different me.

We picked out Tyler's headstone on Tuesday afternoon too. I am glad that we got this done right away. I think it is going to be very special and we should have it by Memorial Day. I have always said, much to my husband's and mother's dismay, that I wanted to be cremated. Now I can see that is not something I would ever want. It's not that a grave is really the person, it is more that visiting a grave is a place of peace and quiet to reflect on the life no longer hear, the present we are left to deal with, and the future we have yet to unfold. I have been avoiding Tyler's grave like the great plague, but yesterday actually walked from my house to the cemetery. I wanted to go for a walk and I just kept going until I was there. It might be 5 miles or so. I expected some great ball of grief to overwhelm me and bring me to my knees, but I find the same sadness there as anywhere. It is a nagging melancholy that sits on the edge of everything. Even when I'm laughing and having fun, I can feel grief waiting for me. I don't think you get over grief, I think you have to learn to live with it. It is not something that will ever go away. Needless to say, my butt and legs are so sore today that I can hardly stand up. So much for my awesome physical prowess.

Friday is Cassie's 9th birthday. I am just not up to a party with a house full of giddy girls, so I told her that she could skip school on Friday and we would go to Fargo for a girlie day, maybe catch a movie, have lunch, go for hot chocolate/coffee. She was completely up for that. Carter's birthday was in October in the middle of our hospitalization period and he didn't have party or anything either. This goes back to cancer not being an individual problem... it is a family problem. Tyler had cancer, but the fallout affected everyone. Jay and I were reading Job the other night. I never really thought about it, but can you imagine what he felt like when he lost all of his children, servants, and livestock in the span of minutes? Why would God let satan test Job like that? The Bible says Job was blameless and a good man, but it is like God was just so flip about the whole thing. Go ahead and test him, go for it. I guess it could also be interpreted as God was so confident in Job that He knew he'd be okay.

Well... next week I am back to work 40 hour. I am glad and also a little panicked. It's been a long time since that part of my life was regular. Hopefully they still want and need me. Working from home has been a blessing for our family and I am so grateful for that. Anyway, I know it will be a busy week of trying to get back on track, so we will see.