I should be knitting because it is Tuesday but tonight was Carter's wrestling potluck. We used to go to these when Tyler was in wrestling too. We stopped by Tyler's locker and saw that the kids have hung up a sort of banner to sign their names on and write notes. One of the notes said something along the lines of "this isn't goodbye, it's just hey see you later." It was pretty touching. It is finally getting to be spring here and my lillies are poking through the soil. It's so sad really.

It's so easy to believe in God when things are going right. I never really understood fully the meaning of doubting Thomas until now. As Christians, it seems as if we are never supposed to voice any doubts. We are never supposed to say we question our faith. Well...I would be a liar if I didn't admit that just about everyday I doubt. I'm not talking about a little doubt. I am talking about big doubts. This may be shocking to say this out loud, in public, for everyone to hear. The reason I say this is maybe someday, somebody will read this who is in a similar situation and they will think "I'm so glad I am not the only one." There are days I wish the phone would ring and on the other end a person would say "today I am mad at God for you" instead of "God is with you, God will see you through, God has a plan." I am having a hard time seeing the bigger picture here. Now I am not trying to make anyone fall off the Christian bandwagon so to speak or cause anyone to slip or turn away from God. I am just being very honest. There are days when I think or talk to God in my head steady, sort of like TV static in the background. There are days where I give Him the cold shoulder and feel like telling Him to take a flying leap. I would like to think that these are the days when He is especially close to me. I know deep down that these doubts, fears, anger, and all the raw emotions that seem to come and go are part of this whole experience. I know God is real. I know Tyler is in heaven. That doesn't keep me from wrestling with these issues. Think about if you were on the shore and saw your child drowning and couldn't swim to help him. Think if a lifeguard was standing next to you on the shore and didn't go save him. You would feel helpless and more than a little frustrated with that lifeguard. We have to forgive God. That sounds pretty strange I know, but it is true. As much as we need to heal ourselves and our relationships here, we also need to find a place of forgiveness and rest between us and God. And like earthly relationships, there are days when you feel like it and days that you don't. There is a rope made of many pieces of twine tethering us to God. As a child, the rope is strong, no nicks, no fraying, no cuts. Right now I am angry and cut a piece of that twine daily, but then I knot it back together. I would like to think that by the time I am done with this life, the ball of knots holding my rope together will be so strong that nothing could pull it apart.

Even though that sounds maybe more than a little bitter, really we are doing okay. The kids get up and go to school. I get up and go to work. I make purses in my free time :) Jay has been busy and will be starting work soon. We keep living even though now as parents we are straddling this fence of one foot here, one foot out the door. It is a tearing sensation of wanting to be with Tyler and wanting to be with Carter and Cassidy and knowing that those 2 needs will not meet together any time soon. It's odd and sad and frustrating, but we keep going and I guess that is all we can do.