Been a while since I was on here. Did you know you can hide in plain site? I think I might be becoming a master at that. We had some pretty big days come and go, Easter and 2 months. The sky didn't some crashing down on us, but the best word is probably melancholy. On Easter we took the yellow Fiero and red Fiero out for several drives. Maybe you saw the yellow streak going up and down highway 87 and thought of Tyler. I closed my eyes and wished he was driving. We are anxious to get the headstone in but it won't be for another 6 weeks or so. We planted grass on the grave site last weekend. Not something I would have thought of in my "before," but seeing his grave without grass and a little sunken down bothered me more than I can explain. It is silly I know, he is not there, but its hard not to think of his body under that ground. I don't like it one bit. I am also having a hard time being around other people with kids Tyler's age. I am not too proud to say it is downright jealousy and envy that fuels that feeling. As you can see by the time of this post that I am not sleeping... again. Makes 6 a.m. come pretty early, but this happens a couple times a week.
We were going to go to the hospice support group for parents who have lost kids last week and chickened out.... yes the correct word is chickened. When we are around our regular friends and family no one really gets into the deep rawness of what is underneath the somewhat put together exterior. I am almost afraid to talk to someone who with one look could verbalize and really really understand the thoughts that twirl around my head. There are moments when I have some mighty black thoughts that would shock you. There are moments when I am giving myself a pep talk.. either out loud or in my head. There are moments when I want to scream and I don't really know why. There are thoughts I have about this situation that I really can't talk about with anyone "normal" so I talk to Jay and he talks to me. Maybe next month we will work up the courage to go to the meeting.
All in all, we are keeping busy. The kids are counting down the days of school. The flowers are poking up. My friend is coming to help me with the Memorial Garden for Tyler the first week of May. It is getting warmer outside and we even had a bonfire tonight. I look at all the signs of spring and just wish so badly that Tyler could have made it longer... long enough to feel the sunshine on his face and smell the grass on his feet. I hate that he died in the cold winter. I hate that spring came anyway. This feeling of loss as a parent is horrific, but if the alternative was never knowing Tyler I wouldn't even consider it. I will bear this pain for the rest of my life, but I will never regret being his mother. To be slightly corny, the dance by Garth Brooks came to my mind today. I would have missed the pain, but I'd have to miss the dance. The pain is the price we are going to pay, but hopefully some day the joy of his life will crowd out the pain of his death.
Well... I better TRY to get some sleep. To anonymous who saw me at All in All... next time just come and say hi. I usually don't bite too hard :) Actually I was having kind of a rough afternoon that day and could have used a hug at that exact time.
I can relate just a bit to the jealousy, Daneele. It is a very normal feeling. I was 27 and had 2 little kids when my mom died. I remember that same feeling when my friends would talk about how their mothers would call them and schedule their week around helping with their kids, or whatever. For me, when big events happened with my kids and Mom wasn't there to participate, I would feel the sadness creep up. That happens even to this day, but not quite as strong. When you & Jay are ready, I think going to the parent's group would be helpful..hard to do, but maybe it would be nice to share with people who truly know what you are going thru. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteWe had the song The Dance at our son's funeral and had a man sing it. I had tears in my eyes reading what you posted and it's all so true and so many emotions we go through. We never went to any support group cause everyones situation is different and we just need to cope for the rest of the families sake I think. People say they know how you feel but don't unless they've lost a child. They also say everything happens for a reason, I've yet to figure that out. Do take care and it's good you say your feelings on here and I'm sure plenty of folks want to help you out.
ReplyDeleteHi, I just want you to know that I think of you often and pray for you guys. I was at the hospital on October 9th (i think) it was a Friday. My teenage daughter was in having some tests done and I was a nervous wreck. Then you and your family came in and I could overhear the conversations and heard the word "cancer". At that moment my problems seemed so small, and they were as her tests came back normal and everything was fine. As of that day I started praying for your son and your family. I very much contemplated just walking up and giving you a hug that day as I have never seen so much grief and worry on a parents face. I cannot even imagine what you were, have been and continue to go through. But please know that this stranger continues to think of you and pray for you.
ReplyDelete