emotions

I don't know if this is just me, but right now especially I can have more than one emotion but the stronger one at the time is the prominent one. I seem to see-saw between anger and sadness. When I am angry, I don't feel sad and visa versa. Anger feels better than sadness. Anger is easier to cope with. I can be angry at God and doubt him, feel like I'm being punished, feel just honestly like screaming at God for handing this ridiculous task of living after our child died to us. Unfortunately, God isn't here to be mad at. The people closet to you are always easier to yell at, get frustrated with, hold a grudge about. I am certainly no stranger to being angry at people around me... for no apparent reason sometimes... overreacting, blowing up, freaking out, whatever you want to name it. I'm not quite as inspirational up close and personal believe me. Just to keep it real, so you know, guess what... I am not anything super or great. Last night I completely overreacted to Carter and not sitting still while doing his homework. This quickly transferred like wildfire to Jay. Anger is like that. Give it a little wind, and you better call the fire truck because you are in big trouble. It is so much easier to be angry, but like with any drug which might give you a brief high or escape, the world always comes crashing back to smack you in the forehead. So, I was mad, now I'm sad, but looking forward to this weekend. I felt like today I wouldn't go. Felt like, you know what, I am never going to be good enough, perfect enough, to deserve happiness, forgiveness, God's love or anyone else's, so why bother? That is not right, I know, but I can't be the only one out there who ever travels that dead end road. Anyway, my good friend T called and just with a few words I am back on track with going this weekend again. Fickle is the mind of the mother in the midst of her grief. Tattoo that on your hand so you know that is me for maybe forever.

Anyway, I will be leaving in the morning tomorrow before I can change my mind. I can almost feel the healing love of my friends now. There is something about being with a group of women that feels like chicken soup when you have a bad cold or a band-aid on a scraped knee. I don't know how that happens, but it is true. So girls, here comes the imperfect, emotional, sort of crazy lady you call friend.

as a side note, can you believe the caring bridge web site has more than 100,000 hits? what an awesome tribute to my son and the human race in general.