I had a wonderful time on the women's retreat this weekend. I felt I might describe rejuvenated. It made me feel like I want to be something more, something better. How to do that feels out of reach right now. I feel like that baby on the Simpsons who walks and trips on her blanket every few steps. I just keep falling and getting up, falling and getting up. It was hard coming home. Walking in the door was a little like walking from an air conditioned building into the heat of summer. It takes a minute to readjust. I mentioned before there is something about being around other women that feels like a band-aid and I do think that is very true. Whether we have kids or not, women are built with that desire to nurture in my opinion. Women get together and talk about feelings and it makes us feel good. Guys have something similar, but I think it makes them feel good to talk about the things they are doing or like to do rather than what they feel. I could be wrong, but just my observation, neither being wrong, just different ways of coping.

I heard on the radio before leaving on Friday that "if you have breath, you have hope." Made me think of Mary's Song that I like so much. The refrain for that says "breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me, breath of heaven." I thought, wow. That is very cool. If I am very still and try to feel the "breath of heaven," I have breath, which gives me hope. If I have hope, I can really breath here at this moment. Very circular.

Yesterday I was able to finally get through all the thank you cards with the help of Tam and Cindy. It was a long job, but I am glad to say it is done other than a stack of envelopes that I can't find addresses for or can't read the names. A lot of the cards had memories of Tyler in them. These are so hard to read for me. Jay really likes to read these cards. I get so sad thinking about what might have been if he was here. I find myself doing that daily. After the loss of your child, you don't just mourn the loss of that life, you also have to mourn the loss of your future with that child. It is sometimes so overwhelming that I can't breath. Today we are going to look at granite for a headstone. This is going to be very difficult but we both feel pretty strongly to get going on this rather than wait. If feel like his grave is naked without it. Even though I myself can't bring myself to go there, I want anyone who does to see his name and that he was loved and special. My sister-in-law Tam who lost her mom to cancer 10 months ago mentioned yesterday that her dad said something along the lines of "cancer didn't win. it is in the ground. mom is in heaven." It sort of blew me away. I never did focus on cancer around Tyler. We talked about regular things. If you think about it, cancer didn't beat Tyler. He was himself until the end. He did not give into despair. He did not give into cancer. His body gave out, but his spirit isn't dead. When I do visit his grave, instead of looking down at the remnants of cancer, I am going to look up and feel the sun on my face and think of Tyler "dancing with the angels." Maybe that will help.

Getting back to a new routine is not as easy as you might think. We all have a void that is like a black hole pulling at us constantly. Carter finally got caught up with homework on Sunday after another 3 hours of work. I am very glad that hurdle is behind us at least. Last week was so stressful to begin with, let alone all the catchup work he had to do. Cassie seems to be doing well. She has such an innocent trusting faith that it makes me jealous at times. The pastor was here yesterday and he said "what do you do to make you feel better?" She said without hesitation "pray." Jay and I are trying to muddle through this. Our marriage was also affected by this of course. Imagine being locked in the same room with your spouse for 4 months pretty much nonstop. I don't think there are many of us that can honestly say that would be a good thing. Now we are different people trying to deal with all of these big emotions. There are times when it is good to be together, because we will forever share Tyler in a way that no one on this earth will. That in itself is a double edged sword. Sometimes it is difficult to be together because two grieving people don't always communicate effectively. The big thing here is going to be forgiveness, which is what the pastor mentioned to us as well. Forgive perceived wrongs, forgive high emotions or insensitivity, forgive as we are forgiven. Much easier to type than put into an action plan, but good enough advice.

I better go face this day. I have a heavy heart after all the thank you notes and thinking about the headstone, but one step in front of the other. I am going to go to a ladies knitting group tonight for a few hours. Now that is funny. Tyler would have a good laugh about that and make fun of me unmercifully. Some gals at the retreat this weekend get together every Tuesday, and I think it will be good for me to have a new activity. The other good news is I got a call yesterday that puppies are due in a week or two. For those of you who don't know, we were getting a Maltichon puppy last fall before Tyler got sick, but then had to opt out due to all that was going on with our family. I have never been a dog in the house person, but either the timing was right, my kids were older, or I am going senile, but I was so excited I read 2 books, did tons of online research, bought I won't name how many dollars of treats and stuff, and even started crocheting my doggie a sweater. Tyler and I talked about this a few times. He said more than once he wished we could have got the dog. So I am going to go forward and get this dog and enjoy it. It will be ready around my birthday in May. Something to look forward to.